13 years old - Bitter, immature and angry
"Nobody, especially not my parents, can bring me down. I will win. They will not."
14 years old - Confused and emotionally unstable
"Sigh, why is life so complicated? I wish I could just tell her the truth."
"Where has that trust, that friendship gone too? Why am I so upset about this?"
"I just miss you, and sometimes it hurts.
"Why? I don't know anymore.
Help me."
"Hurt people hurt people" (Bill Cosby)
"On the outside, it's bliss. In my mind, ultimate chaos. A tornado of thoughts and emotions. Anger, shock, pain, sadness, remorse."
"Lost is how I feel. (horrible grammar, what was I thinking?) I am the black spot of ink on a blank piece of paper. I feel so alone in my mind.
15 years old - Most fucked up period in secondary school though still relatively sane
*Lyrics to Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance - memorised by
heart"
"I hate myself; I am a total failure.
I am useless. I am a horrible person."
(Real entry was much more angsty and angry than this)
*a poem entitled letting go that is cheesy and urgh I was such a bad poet*
*lyrics to no boundaries and Adam Lambert's name written in a very nice cursive font*
*two poems entitled Silence and In Memory that are depressing but not as bad as the last one*
"
I think I am falling for __________. And I know that I'm just infatuated with him."
"But I'm going to enjoy the long talks, the sensitive talks and the dirty talk for as long as possible.
(Holy shit I was such a whore) Because this feeling is too hard to let go off. And I don't want to, for now."
"I have to let go of my feelings for ______. It's not healthy for me. He loves ________. Nothing will change that."
*some other guys' name in an effort to get over ________*
(Let me emphasise on how much of a slut I was oh gosh keep it in your panties girl)
"______ really did cut himself. Idiot. But the scars are... enticing. Me and my fascination with blades. Tsk"
(Did I not mention how screwed up I was? Yep this is proof)
*poem entitled Drowning that is also depressing though my poetry has improved slightly*
*poem-like entry that is very morose and sombre. sheesh I was such a nightmare*
*Lyrics to Fever by Adam Lambert (I was a huge fan, not so much now but he's still cool)
*bad diary entry about going to _______'s house and how I still like him.*
"I am so confused...blah blah blah... Me smsing him everyday is a bit despo"
(I was such a whore wtf)
*Entry about feeling dizzy and my last words to everyone who mattered to me at that point of time. I was so serious about it I even wrote in Chinese to my grandparents.*
*Entry titled Bleed, the most fucked up thing in this book. Here's an excerpt:
"In a moment of pure rage and hatred, I placed one side of the blade on his arm, and slowly slid it across his skin. He bled more, continued by his screams of agony. I bared my teeth in malicious pleasure, as I continued to slice his arms open. "
(told you I was crazy)
And the best entry, which sort of happens to be the one of the last:
// Walking Away //
As he approached, I turned away, walking in the opposite direction in which he was coming from.
"Wait!"
The desperate shout escaped his lips and reached my ears. He ran up towards me as I stopped in my tracks, without turning around to face him. He stood behind me, and in a voice that threatened to break, he said "I don't want to lose you."
His words brought tears streaming down my cheeks, as I whispered back, with agony weighing down on every word,
"You already have."
Then I ran away, away from the broken friendship I couldn't mend, away from the quarrels, the arguments, the phone calls which ended with someone hanging up. I ran away from his laughter, his jokes, his desperation and his anger. I ran away.
He stood there in shock, unable to say anything or to chase after me. I knew the pain I had caused him was unbearable, and I stopped, half-laughing, half-crying, before falling to the floor in a heap of pain and sorrow.
I walked away.
*next few entries are just fluff and honestly unimportant except for the gold medal thing but yea overall just usual teen bullshit*
The final final entry of this diary/journal (written in hot pink too):
"Wow. This is the last page for this old leather bound book. Been forever, yeah? A little goodbye to this diary/journal. Everything in my secondary school life from sec 1 to now. Treasure. Don't know what else to say. This book holds a lot of memories and lessons... a lot of things that have happened that I don't want to remember, but I do, cause they make me a better person."
This diary/journal actually could have been refilled if I bought the paper from popular but I guess it was sort of a symbolic good bye, to say farewell to past traumas and memories.
A sort of a breakaway I guess.
Yep to those who bothered to read the whole thing now you know (partially) why I am the way I am and why I am such a screwed up person and why I try so hard not to be.
